Twilight Rehabilitation
by KADYKINZZ
Summary: Welcome to Twilight Rehabilitation! I think you're gonna need it. Join Laura on her anti-climactic journey through the program.


**I do not own **_**Twilight, **_**Basshunter**_**, Rehab **_**by Amy Winehouse,**_** Family Guy, Harry Potter, **_**Boxman/Smosh**** or any other show/book/artist mentioned. Because I fail at life.**

Just came up with this randomly in computer class...

I don't know _how_ many flames I'm gonna get. I wrote this for Laura, 'cause she's such an addict.

* * *

**Twilight Rehabilitation**

Once upon a time there was a girl named Laura. She was overly-obsessed with a series called _Twilight._

Which is unhealthy.

She would sit in a corner of her room, foaming at the mouth, possessively hugging her books.

She knew all four sagas by heart, and would ramble on about it for hours. Her friends wanted to get her help. And they did.

If you would like, you may insert some dramatic music to set the mood.

Kady walked into Laura's room and saw her in the corner. She clicked her tongue and walked up to her, whacking her upside the head.

"Ouches!" Laura exclaimed.

"Laura, you need help," Kady said dragging her up to her feet. "I am afraid you're going to have to go to…"

"**TWILIGHT REHABILITATION!"** Dun, dun, dun….

"What?! I am perfectly sane! I don't need to go rehab! Jacob wouldn't approve of that!" Laura tried to jump out the window, but there were three randomly placed man-nurses standing under it. One very buff-manly-man nurse, with a lot of chest hair, I might add, put her in a fluffy straight jacket.

Laura examined the blonde one and exclaimed, "Hey! You look like Jasper! He's my boyfriend." She then took it upon herself to wiggle her eyebrows suggestively.

The blonde man-nurse rolled his eyes and said, "My name is Sean, gosh darn it!" He then injected her with some loony drug, of which I do not know the name, and she started giggling insanely.

"_They tryna make me go to rehab, but I said no, no, no," _Laura sang in her gospel voice.

"Well, let's hope you don't turn into Wino…," a green-haired man-nurse with loads of piercings said. We will now call him Paul.

Because I said so.

She was then put into a hippie bus and taken to the Twilight Rehabilitation Center. Because hippies rule.

Oh, dear God.

* * *

When Laura woke up from her daze, she was in a white room, void of anything _Twilight._

Her eyes started darting and she started hyperventilating loudly.

Someone shifted from the other side of the room. Laura jumped and slowly turned her head…waiting for her doom.

Or not.

Sitting on a beanbag chair was her friend Cassie.

"Cassie! You've been put in this loony bin, too?!" Laura asked, appalled.

"Well…," Cassie started, "my friends thought I was too obsessed and forcefully made hairy man-nurses take me in. I still don't get why that had to pick hairy ones…"

"Oh my gosh! My friends did the same thing to me." Laura then had an imaginary light bulb pop over her head. She smiled deviously, "When I get out of this, they're gonna pay."

"Yeah, I agree. But I guess we have to get through this for the time being."

"Yeah, that kind of sucks. What do we do here, anyway?"

"Well, I got here yesterday, and all I've been doing is sitting here. Without anything _Twilight._ I'm having withdrawals, man!" Cassie's eye then started to have a tick.

Laura stared at her in horror, mouth agape. If this happened to Cassie in a day…she doesn't know if she can make it.

* * *

Laura was about to talk about _Twilight_ when a middle-aged woman came in. She had her hair up in a sloppy bun and wire glasses perched on her nose.

"Hello dear _Twilight _readers. Your friends and/or family have taken it upon themselves to enroll you into this program," she drawled in a high voice. She looked at a paper on her clipboard and set her eyes on Laura. "Laura…you have the highest case I have seen in my lifetime. I am afraid you won't be able to room with Cassie…"

Laura looked with puppy dog eyes and started tearing. "Wh-what? I'm not _that_ bad." Even thought in her head all she was thinking about were the werewolves in La Push.

"I am afraid you are…"

Instead of some hairy man-nurses coming to pick her up, her friends, dressed in white lab coats, walked through the door and waved giddily at her.

"Jackie…Kady…," Laura said venom dripping from her voice, "what are you doing here? _After you put me in this institute."_

"Well, wouldn't it be better for your friends to help you than some sweaty man-nurses," Kady replied. "Unless…you like them…"

Jackie, Laura, Kady, and that one chick were all blinking dumbly at the statement.

"No," Laura answered glaring at Kady for just _making_ that accusation.

"Well, Laura, let's start rehab!" Jackie exclaimed.

Kady and Jackie stood in some random formation, which I don't feel like explaining, and put their hands together like retards. Did I mention they have the goofiest grins on their faces? Well they do.

The two retards, which I have now dubbed them, grabbed each of Laura's arms and skipped to another room.

We are **doomed**(?)

Maybe.

I'm not sure.

* * *

"Yeah, so, what are we supposed to do here?" Laura asked bored. The three girls were currently sitting in another room and were, obviously, bored out of their minds.

"I dunno," Kady replied. "I skipped the training. I just didn't feel like getting out of bed that day."

"Well, I went, but I didn't pay attention. The instructor was _really_ boring. I ended up texting Emily. She sent me a picture of her in a ketchup costume," Jackie said, idly looking at her nails. They were painted a pretty green color today.

But I don't think you care.

"Well, what do you remember?" Laura asked, still angry that her friends did this to her.

"Uh…," Jackie said. "I think we're supposed to like, take your mind off _Twilight._"

"_Twilight?!_ Where!" Laura exclaimed, looking like she was about to jump out the window at the sound.

Kady then squirted her with a spray bottle excessively saying, "Bad! Bad Laura!"

"Hey!" Laura said, astonished. "That's my spray bottle! I brought it in because you and Jackie wouldn't shut up."

"Well, I stole it."

Laura looked at her with a blank stare. **Because she can. **

"Anyway…," Jackie said, trying to lighten the mood. "Let's talk about politics!"

Laura and Kady looked at her, horror-struck. Their mouths opened wide. They looked like fish.

"Jackie…," Laura said. "I don't think _any_ of us know _anything_ about politics."

"Well! I couldn't think of anything else! It just popped up in my head! Jeebus…"

"Did you just say 'Jeebus'?" Laura asked, snickering behind her hand.

"What if I did...?"

"You're both on crack," Kady said, deciding to end the conversation.

She then stood up and surveyed the room. None of them did it before now because they were idiots and didn't feel like it.

"Hey! Look over 'ere, laddies!" Kady said, randomly acquiring an Irish accent.

Sexy beast.

"What…?" Laura asked, curious because there was nothing else to do.

"It's a closet _full_ of CDs," Kady replied, already skimming through the titles.

"No way!"

"Yeah way!"

"YEAH!" Laura jumped up from her sitting position and rand over to Kady. Jackie slowly made it over, looking bored out of her mind.

Laura picked up a CD of Basshunter.

Radical.

"Swedish techno, baby!" Laura exclaimed, looking for a CD player to actually _play_ the CD.

"What. The freaking. A," Kady said. "How are we supposed to listen to _all_ these CDs with no CD player? These people are on crack, man."

"I think…we should go on a hunt," Jackie said, eerily, "for a **boom box**."

Yes, I bolded boom box, what's it to ya'? I think it makes it more dramatic.

Hobos.

"Yes, let's," Kady said. "I think we should start with…the kitchen."

"You're hungry, aren't you?" Laura deadpanned.

"Yeah," Kady replied, her eyes downcast.

"Well! Let's go then," Jackie said, already across the room. Laura and Kady just stared at her blankly before darting to the door.

Since they're dumb, and don't know that a door was meant for one person at a time, they got stuck in the doorway.

Those fatties.

* * *

Well, they made it to the kitchen.

Barely.

As Laura was having a chocolate eating contest with Kady, she randomly remembered a time in computer class.

Just like on television, we will have squiggleness to show out flashback sequence.

And… NOW!

Ooo, aaah!

Ahem, as I was saying.

**FLASHBACK**

_Laura and Kady were sitting next to each other, frantically typing away at their keyboards. Kady looked over to what Laura was doing and glared._

"_Laura," Kady said, "why is there emoness on your computer?"  
_

"_What are you talking about?" she replied, eyes darting around the room, frantically._

"_Is…is that…_Twilight_ I spy? A fanfiction?" Kady paused and sighed."You need to stop writing angst and start writing humor!"_

"_But, but!"_

"_Wait, you're right, you have no sense of humor. Ahurhur."_

"'_Ahurhur'?"_

"_Yes, it's my new catchphrase."_

"_Why would you choose that?"_

"_Because it makes me feel special, no one else uses it."_

"_I see…"_

"_You do."_

"_Uh-huh…"_

"_Don't mock me."_

_Laura just stared._

"_Cracker."_

"_You're the cracker, Kady."_

"_Says who?"_

"_Says me."_

_And then the bell rang._

**FLASHBACK END**

That wasn't anti-climactic at all.

"I just totally remembered that one time in computer class," Laura said looking up from her chocolate.

"What the…?" Kady asked, face covered in chocolate.

"You, you have a little…something on your face…," Laura pointed out.

"Then get me a towel you homo," Kady replied, grin on her face.

"I'd rather not."

"Yes you would."

"No."

"Yes."

Laura just looked at her like she was an idiot.

"Ugh, fine, where's a towel?" Kady asked standing up.

"Uh, beats me," Jackie said. You thought I forgot about her, didn't you?

Kady wandered around the kitchen looking for a towel.

Gosh, this'll take a while.

* * *

The girls went back to their room, after Kady took _two hours_ to find a freaking towel, and they plopped on beanbag chairs.

Like the bunch of hobos they are.

Kady looked over to Laura and noticed her hands were shaking. "Uh, Laura? Why are your hands shaking?"

"Are you having withdrawals?" Jackie asked, laughing.

"N-no-o," Laura stuttered, obviously lying. "I n-need _T-twilight._"

"Cracker, get over it," Kady said rudely.

Laura just glared.

And glared.

And glared.

"You whore!" she finally screamed.

Jackie laughed and fell over.

The freaking spaz.

"What the…?" Kady asked, staring at Jackie on the floor.

"You guys," she said between giggles, "are s-so dumb. Ha-ha!"

"So's your face," Laura countered.

Jackie just glared, looking like she was about to blow up. "That's _**my**_ line, you faggot!"

"You don't _own_ it!" Kady said. I guess she just wanted a part of the conversation.

Don't we all?

"Yeah! You don't own the rights!" Laura exclaimed.

"Well…mark my words…I'm going to buy the rights and _tax anyone who says it_." Jackie said a maniacal grin spread across her face.

Laura and Kady gasped in horror. How could she do something as _horrible_ as that? That fiend…

The two sat down and pouted.

This is gonna be a long stay…

* * *

That one lady who told Laura about Kady and Jackie came in. I just realized I never gave her a name…

She is now wearing a nametag with the name "Loretta" printed across it.

Reminds me of _Family Guy_.

She walked in and saw Laura, Jackie and Kady all snuggled up sleeping on the bean bags. She scowled.

She magically took out a blow horn and, you guessed it, blew it in their faces.

The three shot up screaming bloody murder, because that's what it sounded like. Something like that.

"Laura," Loretta said. "It's time for your first seminar. It will go over why being obsessed with a book is not healthy. It has previously worked with _Harry Potter_ fans, so I'm sure it'll work for _Twilight,_ too."

"C-can Jackie and Kady some?" Laura asked.

"Hm…," Loretta contemplated. "I guess that will be okay, but they have to sit in the back. And make **NO** noise, you hear me?"

They all nodded fervently. For some reason I pictured a dog wagging its tail. How odd.

"Well then, let's get a movie on!" Loretta exclaimed, pointing out the door dramatically.

* * *

The three walked into a large room. They looked around at all the other _Twilight _obsessed teenagers. Laura spotted Cassie, Jessica, and Rachel. She skipped over to them while Jackie and Kady stood awkwardly at the back of the room.

Loretta glared at them before sauntering over to the stage in the front of the room. Kady and Jackie made retarded faces at her back, a few addicts were giggling at their antics.

They spotted two chairs at the back and sat in them. They felt awkward because Jackie didn't like _Twilight_ as much as everything else, and, to be honest, Kady positively _despised_ it.

But that's between you and me.

"Welcome!" a large man on the stage bellowed. He was very portly and had rosy cheeks. Ah, Language Arts. Portly. Giggle. "You have checked in to be done with your obsessive ways." Some people grumbled and hissed at the comment. How much did he know?

"It's not good to be obsessed with something that's fiction. You will never get a date, never get married, never lose your virginity, unless you already have, and you'll never achieve the best career you can acquire. It will take over your life and you'll never want to do anything but talk about it, write about, dream about it, etc." Most addicts were rolling their at the speech.

"We will be doing some exercises to keep your mind off _Twilight._ You will be put into groups of, let's say, four, and you will all complete the various activities suggested."

Rachel, Jessica, Laura, and Cassie immediately launched themselves at each other to be sure they would all be in a group. Other people just stared with blank faces.

They grinned sheepishly and sat back down, Rachel knocking a chair over in the process.

"Ahem," the portly man coughed. "It seems I have forgotten to introduce myself," as have many other people, "I am Mr. Briggs."

"Hello Mr. Briggs," Kady and Jackie chanted at the back of the room. Everyone turned and snickered, Loretta glaring up a storm. That's sounds cool, I think I'm gonna use that more often.

But I probably won't.

"Oh," Mr. Briggs said, noticing Jackie and Kady at the back of the room, "it seems that these are the helpers I have been hearing about. They will help you on your journey to rehabilitation."

After hearing that Jackie and Kady stood up and grinned like their faces would fall off.

Wouldn't that be exciting?

"Well, please get into your groups and find a leader to work with. The two helper people, you can pick a group to work with."

Kady and Jackie frolicked to Laura's group. They knew all the people there, so it helps a bit.

"Okay, let's find a leader," Laura said. They all cupped their hands over their eyes searching for someone with a shirt that says "LEADER, HOMIES."

I want a shirt that says that.

They spotted a blonde haired woman with loads of curls. Rachel and Jessica grabbed onto her two arms and kidnapped her.

Good golly gosh, Batman!

"Hello, girls. My name is Natalie, and I'll be your leader. We're gonna get you out of your overly-obsessive ways," Natalie said.

"But, but…I-I don't wanna," Rachel whimpered pitifully.

"Well you have to!" Jackie screamed.

"Well…," Rachel replied sarcastically.

Natalie looked over at Rachel and Jessica. Rachel had a shirt that said "Team Edward," while Jessica has a shirt that said "Team Jacob."

"Gasp!" she…gasped. "We have to burn those clothes!"

"No!" Jessica screamed, starting to run in a circle. Other addicts looked at her oddly, but then went upon their own business. Because that's how it should always be.

"I will never be oppressed!" Rachel screamed, putting on a hippie headband and pulling a flag out that said "_Twilight"_ and stuck it into the ground…even though it was a concrete floor…

Kady and Jackie were just standing there a laughing. Because we _need_ to have them do something.

Not just because my name is Kady…whatever gave you that idea?

Cassie and Laura joined Rachel in her chanting of "We will not be oppressed," while walking around the _Twilight_ flag.

"Kady, Jackie! Join in!" Laura screeched.

"I reject that. I despise that book," Kady replied with a smile.

"Yeah, and I _really_ don't feel like running and chanting…_at the same time,_" Jackie added. Who does?

Apparently them.

Natalie rand over and jumped on the flag. The four girls screeched and lifted their leg up, which I do frequently, like that would protect them from anything.

"No, no, no!" Natalie said. "You cannot have these items at this center. It's like having drugs at a drug rehabilitation center. Y'know, where Lindsay goes a lot? Yeah. We need to get rid of those."

Cassie, Laura, Rachel, and Jessica all gave her the 'puppy-dog pout.'

Kady rushed up and pointed screaming, "You fiend! How _dare_ you use that?!"

"Because we can!" Jessica yelled. I think I'm running out of words to say for loud vocal noises. Tch, my retarded vocabulary…

"Do _not_ make me commit homicide!" Natalie said, venom dripping from her voice. "I _really_ don't want to be fired from this job. Then I'd have to live in a box…and I don't want to be laughed at by Boxman."

"Heh, Boxman. I love Smosh," Kady said, dreamily.

"You're an odd person, Kady…" Laura said.

"Well at least I'm not obsessed with some book," Kady retorted, glaring angrily at the red-head.

"You fiend!" Jessica said, _totally_ taking Kady's phrase.

Natalie just blankly stared at them and walked out of the room.

"I think we lost our leader," Cassie said.

"Doesn't matter to us," Jackie said, gesturing to Kady.

"I agree," Kady said.

"Eh, I don't even wanna be here," Laura said

"Well, I think this is the end. Shall we exit like ninjas?" Rachel asked.

"Yes!" everyone chanted.

They all stealthily tip-toed out of the hall, no one even bothered to stop them.

* * *

_**Back at Kady's house.**_

"Kady! Stop obsessing over ninjas!"

"NEVER!"

"No, no, no," Laura sang, once again.

**End**

* * *

I don't know if I'm gonna get flames, praise, or God knows what else.

I know I'll probably get two good reviews. Laura and Keke. Laura actually saw me write this, and Keke's just a cool homie. She's my buddy from the Bahamas. LOL

So review, flame, praise, whatever. I don't care. It just makes me feel fuzzy inside when I get feedback.

And do not destroy the fuzzy.


End file.
